Deep listening is a quality of presence rather than a specific set of skills. If someone is not physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually present or ready, techniques or training cannot change the consciousness. Deep listening is more about being than doing, although doing is a viable beginning step.

Listen Beyond Understanding

I wrote Make it New, Now! which connects deep listening with compassion. For me, compassion is the capacity to be with someone in a heart-centered space. To be with may seem initially to be a benign concept, but, in my view, it is one of the most profound gifts that you can give to someone, including yourself.

Deep listening might have elements of understanding, but understanding intellectually is not required and sometimes hampers the process of listening deeply. Intellectual understanding takes place in the head; deep listening takes place in the heart. Often I tell a friend or client “I am with you” or “I will be with you (at a specific event)” and I hear words or sighs of appreciation that are unlike any that I might hear when I say “I understand.”

Non-listening

To explore listening, it is also helpful to touch on non-listening. Perhaps you have done your share of non-listening in your life. This can be very valuable when you hear falsehoods or are simply not interested in a topic. After all, you cannot listen to everything. However, you are not in your most powerful place when you turn a deaf ear either with your heart or with your head to someone you care about. Everyone wins when you listen deeply and then follow your heart to tell you what to do or say.

In my early career as a stand-up trainer, I facilitated a listening exercise with participants in pairs. It is a simple exercise, and not particularly original. Most participants initially resisted it as fluff and discounted it as meaningless, but I continued with the exercise anyway, because I observed that their ability to start listening more deeply changed significantly after the exercise!

Here is the group exercise: In pairs, one person (A) was the designated speaker and the other (B) was the designated listener. In the first round, I instructed A to speak about any subject that was important to him or her while B exaggerated non-listening behavior. It was a grand demonstration of non-verbal behavior that usually yielded considerable laughter.

I watched as the B’s looked up at the ceiling or down at the floor, mimicked filing their fingernails, or turned their backs to the A’s. When we discussed the experience of the pairs in the total group, the B’s always made disclaimers about their behavior saying things like, “of course, I’d never really do that to anyone.” To complete the exercise, the A’s and B’s switched roles and repeated essentially the same behavior followed by the same disclaimers.

It may be true that they never really do the exaggerated behavior, but the equivalent subtle behavior can be just as devastating. Sometimes it is more devastating, because it is harder to identify and laugh about. Overt acts are not required to be a non-listener. My experience is that most people demonstrate non-listening behavior in all too many situations. Non-listening has many faces and forms, which is the very point of the exercise I have just described.

Focused Listening

I recently had a conversation with a dear friend about my preference for doing one-on-one consultations by telephone rather than in person. I admitted that I frequently tell clients that it is more effective to work by phone than in person. Some clients agree or understand and others do not. However, as I was talking with my friend I could more clearly understand that it is more effective for me to work by telephone than in person. The reason is that my only activity is listening deeply to my client on the other end of the telephone.

With the phone as the instrument of connection, I do not look at my client’s facial expressions nor concern myself with providing drinking water, tissues, and a comfortable room temperature. Not only am I listening more deeply when my primary outer connection is auditory and energetic, but I can see more accurately and deeply with my eyes closed. I certainly would not want my relationships to be restricted only to those I have by phone, but this is how I now conduct all my consultations.

Head Chatter

Many people have a challenge listening to others because they can only relate to others through the chatter in their heads. As someone else is speaking, such persons are considering what to say as soon as a space opens up. What follows may or may not be related to what was just said.

What about you, do you get caught up with the chatter in your head? At any given time you might be preoccupied with what is going on in your own small world of internal chatter: what if’s, pros and cons, judgments, memories, and the like. If that is the norm, though, it interferes with connecting authentically with others.

One of my clients refers to the internal chatter as the “committee in her head.” These are the voices of debate and options. One time when she was describing all the voices of confusion (which I could hear in her head, as well), I suggested that she fire the committee! It seemed to me that it was timely to discharge the voices and enlist the aid of a new committee or perhaps a single voice of inspiration, the voice of the heart.

Do you have a lot of chatter in your head? When you are upset about something, the chatter might be very intense and distracting. You have to choose whether or not to give it your full attention or (as I suggested to my client), dismiss the chatter. If you choose to listen to the cacophony of sounds, you need to also choose whether to be in charge of the chatter or to let it take charge of you.

Listen to the Whisper Within

Deeper than the chatter is a whisper of wisdom. Most people must learn to hear that whisper when they are in the silence. What about you? Can you recognize your whisper? After you know the resonance of the wisdom whisper, you can more easily hear it in a crowd or while performing on a stage. This whisper of wisdom is a powerful gift. Sometimes this whisper is more like a shout because you have not been able to hear the wisdom as a whisper, other times it is a slight nudge which you can recognize.

I cherish the whisper within and listen to it as deeply as I possibly can whether I am in activity or in silence.

Copyright © 2007 Marshall House, http://www.mhmail.com. Jeanie Marshall, Empowerment Consultant and Coach with Marshall House. Check our Jeanie’s Listen to the Whisper in Your Sleep Guided Meditation on CD album or MP3 download. Jeanie writes extensively on subjects related to personal development and empowerment and assists coaches and consultants who want to write about their knowledge, wisdom, and experiences for publication on the Internet.